There's just never enough time.
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
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we'll make it through
And even more interestingly - as a result of this - people who win bronze tend to be happier than people who win silver. Because those who come second almost came first, so it's a bittersweet mix of being proud of the accomplishment, and disappointed at being so close. But for those who get bronze, it's yay, placed!
Some interesting thoughts. Anyway. Not that this is entirely align-able, but February is the second month of the year, and this one has been very rough, to say the least. But there's no point in letting what can't be controlled create a pervasive negative influence, and focus instead on making that which can be controlled as positive as possible.
As always, tomorrow's a new day.
*Photo of a sticky note found in a bathroom stall on campus. Cute.
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not much, just meh
The top photo is of my sister's hamster Coco, whom she spent months saving up for, and then purchased on her birthday. Sadly, Coco passed away last week.
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waiting
You know in television shows, where they have those filler episodes? How they're still important, because they wrap up things that have already happened, or set the groundwork for things to come? Comparatively speaking, 2013 is a bit like that. Bookended by two very important years, to some extent, it was a bit inevitable that it be a bit more tame in terms of major changes.
To pull a line from my first post of 2013: "But 2013 is a learning year, an improving year, an ongoing process." I think it's fair to say that in hindsight, that statement has held true. 2014 will still be a work in progress (but then again, isn't everything? Isn't there always room for improvement?), but it's also set to be full of the greatest adventures yet. Beyond excited for sure.
Here we go :)
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should be right, but feels so wrong
When you've gone so far down a path already, that the only way is forward
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2:47 in the morning
"Man is literally split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." - Ernest Becker
Another night where sleep is elusive
Where dreams are evasive
Where the future is effervescent
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this was summer
"You only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow[,] only know you've been high when you're feeling low, only hate the road when you're missing home..."
- Passenger, Let Her Go
Another August passes, and a new September begins. In many ways, this summer embodied 'unplanned' - so many aspects of it came about without being explicitly envisioned first. This was also the last real summer of undergrad - and the next one will be the first one after it.
Every time and place we're in, we only get to be in just that one time. The past is there to be learned from, to be remembered (hopefully fondly), to cherish - but never to continue to live in. The future is there to be aimed for, to be moved toward, to exist as an abstraction of what could be - but not to be lived only for.
But the present? This moment - each 'this moment' - is exactly where we're meant to be. This? This is paradise.
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4:02 a.m.
Multiple facets of experience accumulate over time, some organic, some unexpected, others planned, and still others complete surprises. And over time, these separate elements come together, converge to create some essential part of who you are as a person, while others diverge, bounce, or shatter paradigms, but also inevitably wind up having some sort of impact on the final "product" - or not really final, ever, but a work in progress. Always a work in progress. Because human nature is fluid like that, right?
Tonight - or this morning, I guess, seeing as how it's now 4:02 a.m. - feels like the culmination of a couple of threads spanning multiple years. A couple of journeys that have now come full circle. Maybe.
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21
"Let's make this fleeting moment last forever. So, tell me what you're waiting for? I'm gonna keep it frozen here forever; there's no regretting any more. Come on, make me feel alive."
- Krewella, Alive
^Dessert! A, M, M and I (and M for part of the journey) opted to walk back after all that food. Explored a wooden bridge suspended over the valley along the way.
Birthdays, while a convenient way to measure the anniversary of one's birth, is technically founded on the premise of recurring every 365-day cycle. But that number - 365 - is flawed in and of itself. Rotations and revolutions don't fit into neat and tidy numbers that can be divided evenly. At some point, compensation has to be paid. At some point, time has to be made up, and at some points, time is lost.
To borrow Oscar Wilde's sophisticated articulation: "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." 21 - there's only one. So let's seek that rare thing, find it, catch it, achieve it.
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new toy
Took a study break, walked to Future Shop, came back with a DSLR. haha no, it wasn't quite that spontaneous or impulsive. But it was a weird feeling when the CSR handed me the box after I'd paid and said, "Congratulations." Which I suppose is a fitting thing to say to someone who's now the (hopefully proud) new owner/parent of a camera? I've wanted a DSLR for so many years that it's a little odd to actually have one.
A few years ago, I made myself a promise, where I set the parameters for when I would've "earned" myself a DSLR. I haven't met those self-imposed requirements yet, so I guess I don't fully deserve this right now, but at the same time, with the big 2-1 creeping up (mixed feelings about birthdays), it's a somewhat of an early consolation/birthday gift. (And I mean technically I'd also said that if this worked out, some of it would go towards this.) So quasi-justified.
But anyway, on another note - in the process of studying, I've been catching up on this semester's readings. Most if it is fairly standard academia fare, but there was one I read this afternoon, "Ecological Urbanization: Calculating Value in an Age of Global Climate Change" by Shannon May, that really stood out. It was sophisticated and articulate as per expected, but also thought-provoking beyond the primary subject matter. To quote* some snippets:
[H]ow claims to a universal knowledge of the good life are constituted - often with the handmaiden of science - and how easy, how logical, it can seem to take one's own life as an unalterable good, and others' lives as desperately in need of improvement - to be more like one's own.
[T]he dreams and plans from abroad do not ever encounter a blank slate, however much the drawing of development plans on blank pages may trick some into believing otherwise.
To make an analogy after George Hegel, if philosophy is its time comprehended in thought, architecture is its time constructed in things.
[T]he non-sense of that which is taken as common sense in our time.
*May, Shannon. "Ecological Urbanization: Calculating Value in an Age of Global Climate Change." Worlding Cities: Asian Experiments and the Art of Being Global. ed. A. Roy and A. Ong. Oxford: Wiley-Blackwell, 2011.
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landing in the midst
If the latter part of 2012 felt like driving on the autobahn, then 2013 feels like traveling on a high-speed train so far. Between classes, extra-curriculars and catching up with friends, there was no grace period of easing back in. It feels like I'm perpetually behind, struggling to stay on top of everything. But 2013 is a learning year, an improving year, an ongoing process. People-interaction quotas must be filled, birthdays and engagements must be celebrated, and lifechats must be had. Sometimes, it's about letting the little things go, and just focusing on the bigger picture. The things that will really matter in the long run.
At the end of the day, nullum desiderium and semper ad meliora.
Although not all new resolutions need to start with the new year, the time frame generally does tend to lend itself well to inspiring desires to turn over new leaves. Although there are the obvious/typical resolutions that I'm hoping to sustain throughout the entire year (such as working out more regularly, eating healthier, trying something new every month), I'm also going to attempt to stick to 13 resolutions per month (for 2013. Since M felt the need to promptly inform me that there are, in fact, only 12 months in a year -_-).
Hopefully breaking it up into segments will make it feel more manageable. For example, January contains goals such as hitting the gym at least twice a week, capping the maximum number of shows I can watch at 3 episodes per week (and I skip-watch most things anyway), and reading at least one book for pleasure. Simple things. We'll see how it goes.
It's only been two weeks back, but it's been a packed two weeks. So what has been going on? J & J came over for dinner/girls night in, tried a hipster coffee shop I've been meaning to try for ages with J & M (and then we explored the shopping district - check off 'exploring the city more'), surprised M at the pub for her birthday, celebrated J, M & D's birthdays + D's engagement with everyone and then some, watched Les Miserables (it's been ages since I'd been to the movies), celebrated C's birthday by chilling in the pool/hot tub (and we made duck wings, chicken and potatoes for dinner, with strawberry/banana/kashi for dessert), had C over for dinner (chicken wings, fish & veggies, yummy!), and met up with various people for lunch/dinners.
Add in a myriad of classes (+ auditing additional ones in the first week in an attempt to figure out which ones to take!), meetings and executive duties and everything starts feeling a little overwhelming. On that note, it is nearly two in the morning, so it's time to hit the hay. After all, tomorrow (well, today) is a new day, and there is much to be done!
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only mortal
"Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves, will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"
- Odysseus, Troy (2004)
- Achilles, Troy (2004)
Photo taken December 2011 at the Harvard Museum of Natural History.
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a week already?!
"My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small."
- Rascal Flatts, My Wish
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| photocred N |
In response to assumptions that I now have much free time, I informed father that I was, in fact, still swamped with lots of things to do. And while some headway has been made on said things, it's not nearly as much as I would've liked. However, I've managed to squeeze in a fair bit of time just chilling with people, so it's all worth it. In all fairness, I think the two years we spent in residence, we were spoiled a little in that more hours of the day were spent in the presence of other people than not. With everyone moving off res this year, while we've still managed to congregate a decent amount, it's just not the same/it's rarely everyone at once. And let's face it, cramming/napping together at the library doesn't exactly fill the quota.
After a crazy day Wednesday (no doubt chugging an energy drink first thing in the morning didn't help), S, M, A & I went to a ramen place and then a dessert shop for S's birthday. It was actually my first time at a ramen restaurant (I know, don't judge). All the yolo froyo tho!
Friday night, after volunteering at a soup kitchen, a bunch of us (M, A, C, J, M, E, N, A, M, L & I) surprised S for [another] birthday celebratory dinner at Don Don Izakaya. It was wonderful to have so many of us together for great food and even greater company. (first photo)
Saturday night, J & I attempted to go out. It was kind of a flop, but let's not talk about that.
In the evening/night M, J & I headed over to J.L.'s apartment for board games and cookies (unfortunately her boyfriend's bus got into town late and they weren't able to make it to brunch). We hadn't seen her since the last time we were over at her place in the beginning of the semester, so it was nice to catch up. And the cookies were delicious! D made it out later in the evening too, which was nice - hadn't seen him in awhile either.
I may or may not have gone shopping on Monday. Heh. Buuut it was necessary, ok? Running errands/picking up holiday gifts had to be done. I also got a multi-colored poster of Einstein's face with the words "Imagination will take you everywhere" watermarked over it. It's hanging on the wall behind me. Five seconds after putting it up, it struck me how... creepy that is. Like he's watching or something. But putting it up was such a struggle that it'll just have to stay up for awhile.
On Tuesday, C made me butter chicken and cucumber salad for lunch after work, such a sweetie pie. It was delicious. I'm going to have to work on my cooking skills over the holidays and return the favor in the new year!
Today (well, Wednesday/yesterday, since it's technically Thursday now) was a packed day of misc executive duties. Then I booked it downtown and met up with B for dinner. She's been in town all semester doing a co-op placement, but between our schedules, we haven't been able to meet up (since like April, when we had brunch), so it was really good to catch up. Got humongous burgers at a burger/fries diner (the line-ups were ridiculous - business is booming for that place) and then went for bubble tea at Chatime (which is beside Don Don) afterwards until they shooed us out at closing time.
It's funny - the first (& only) time I went to Chatime was the very first day of the semester, with M. In a way, it seems fitting to then finish off the semester with a second trip there. Can't really deny that this semester is done any longer, but I think it's safe to say that, all things considered, it's been an insanely good one.
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summer days are gone
"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again."
- Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran
and it won't let me go.
stuck here, running in place,
dreaming away
sleepless days and autopiloted nights.
this desire to wander,
this lust to live,
this craving for more...
just another walking cliché,
ensnared by the allure of
a beautiful demise.
Photo taken summer 2012, at the Apple Store in the Louvre, Paris, France. L, S & I were trolling and changed the desktop background on one of the MacBooks ;)
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paradoxical
"Here I stand, I can do no other."
- Max Weber, The Vocation Lectures
confused and alone,
sentient & sapient, consumed in a crowd of:
humans, people, strangers - others.
but what if this little girl is
most other of all?
what if
this little girl wants, pines, desires to
join
society
contribute, be a part of, mean something to
those others, who are not really other -
so say it were possible to collapse the ideology of their respective others,
would that thereby eradicate her own otherness?
maybe this little girl isn't so little any more.
maybe the world isn't so big;
maybe the possibilities aren't so endless;
maybe the potential is severely limited;
maybe it's time to forgo the hedonism;
maybe, it's time.
thinking too much, thinking too little - seeing patterns where coincidences exist, seeing no connections where linkages are present - what is hedonism? what is society? what is it to be selfless? what is it to be selfish? what is the meaning?
what is living?
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some reflections
- Wicked, Defying Gravity
A little overwhelmed and unsure how to feel right now. Had my last day at the office today. The last couple of months have been entirely surreal, to say the least. Was it really only four months ago that I was musing whether [the events of this summer] is real life? Three and a half months ago that there was much uncertainty? And less than three days later, filled with resolve?
Three months ago, moving to a foreign continent by myself, to a country whose language I didn't speak, was the hardest thing I'd had to do yet. Now, it feels like leaving this beautiful place is just as difficult, if not more so. I think I've really fallen in love with this country. It's been an absolutely phenomenal experience.
I remember leaving work on either my second or third day, sometime past 6pm, and realizing as I walked to the bus stop that I was truly happy and satisfied with work. I'd hoped that the feeling would be sustained - and it has been. Today, I left at around the same time as that day, feeling the same passion and enjoyment. It's a bit bittersweet to be leaving, and I find myself almost a little reluctant to be doing so. The work was great, and the people were even greater. I'm really going to miss everyone.
Three months ago, I'd never been to Europe before, nor had I traveled to another country - much less another continent - by myself. Three months ago, I hadn't really lived on my own or cooked for myself before (let's face it - residence = 3 meals/day provided, cleaning lady once a week, friends 24/7... that's not really independence). Now I've done all that, plus navigated 5 countries on weekend trips. The dichotomy is kind of astounding. This summer has seen an insane amount of 'first's.
I'd arrived as a curious 19 year old, wide eyed and naive. I'm leaving as an even more curious 20 year old, still kind of lost and wide eyed, but maybe a little less naive (hopefully). I've been fairly fortunate this summer. At the mandatory Pre-Departure Orientation session, J warned us about the curve - of starting out at a high and super excited about being in a new place, and then hitting the depression low. My second last night in Canada, I said to M that I was fully expecting to fall down the hardest I've ever fallen before, but if I was able to get back up, well. S had mentioned the lows he'd experienced last summer in Geneva.
And sure, not every moment was sunshine and butterflies, but luckily, even the lowest moment wasn't that low, relative to other experiences. The worst that happened this summer was probably losing a toenail due to subungual hematoma and getting an infection on the same toe (needed antibiotic/corticosteroids) and having to cancel trips to Berlin and Basel+Munich as a result. But at the end of the day, #firstworldproblems.
Hopefully this is only the first of many travels. Falling in love with new places, it's kind of inevitable that leaving to continue on to the next big adventure will be bittersweet. But hey, I'll take it.
Here's to more phenomenal experiences and incredible sights and remarkable people! I'm beyond excited.
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so many cities...
Obviously I was well aware that it wouldn't be possible to hit them all this summer - but I didn't even manage to come close to half. Which is okay. Can't deny that I'm still a bit disappointed about missing out on Berlin & Switzerland/Munich (& Dusseldorf, ever the elusive one...) in particular though, as those ones were more concretely planned in my head. Toe is still a gory mess...
Either way, I suppose for round 1... I've done okay.
We're just getting started :D
