When you've gone so far down a path already, that the only way is forward
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
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2:47 in the morning
"Man is literally split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." - Ernest Becker
Another night where sleep is elusive
Where dreams are evasive
Where the future is effervescent
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Lately I've been losing sleep...
"Old, but I'm not that old - young, but I'm not that bold. I don't think the world is sold; I'm just doing what we're told. Everything that kills me makes me feel alive. Lately I've been - I've been losing sleep, dreaming about the things that we could be. No more counting dollars, we'll be counting stars."
- OneRepublic, Counting Stars
In other news - my first piece on Medium: Greatness or Nothing.
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4:02 a.m.
Multiple facets of experience accumulate over time, some organic, some unexpected, others planned, and still others complete surprises. And over time, these separate elements come together, converge to create some essential part of who you are as a person, while others diverge, bounce, or shatter paradigms, but also inevitably wind up having some sort of impact on the final "product" - or not really final, ever, but a work in progress. Always a work in progress. Because human nature is fluid like that, right?
Tonight - or this morning, I guess, seeing as how it's now 4:02 a.m. - feels like the culmination of a couple of threads spanning multiple years. A couple of journeys that have now come full circle. Maybe.
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March[ing] Forward
March seems to be a good moth for big news. It's hard to believe that it was this month, a year ago, that Eurotrip 2012 really became a feasible option.
Received some fantastic news today that has left me feeling incredibly happy and kind of validated. While it's not quite the same tier as finding out that I'd be heading to Germany for the summer, it's still really awesome. (And besides, March is still young, there's time yet for more to come!) (Ironically, the 27th has significance in this instance too.)
It's been a weird couple of weeks. A number of people I've been having some difficulty getting a clear read on, myself included. But if today's been any indication, hopefully things will start looking up.
For now though, blissful sleep. After all, tomorrow's going to be another massive day.
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climbing
This is going to be a post of the #firstworldproblems variety; you've been forewarned. To say that January has been a blur of activity would be a bit of an understatement. It has been a crazy mess of overwhelm and cannot-deal. I've been busy with school and extra-curriculars before, and having spent the past two years on multiple club executive teams, it's not exactly like there was anything particularly new or different this month.
But somehow the combination of hermit weather, being sick, not being able to sleep at night and not being able to wake up in morning just clashed horribly with classes (and being behind in all of them), hitting crunch time for multiple clubs and miscellaneous other personal things in such a way that was just somehow different from all other seasons of stress previously experienced.
Looking back on the thirteen resolutions for January... they didn't turn out nearly as well as expected/hoped for. Most of them will probably carry over to February, in some capacity or another. What kind of scares me is the fact that February promises to be even busier. There is so much to do, but what I'm really craving right now is just sleep.
Speaking of sleep - early this morning, I had a dream where I was wall climbing. Which is kind of random. I've been wall climbing a grand total of something like three times - scared of heights. The first time was at RKY Camp in the seventh grade. I remember that one distinctly, because one of the other girls had a broken leg, cast and all, and somehow pulled herself all the way to the top. (This was an outdoor wall, so it was quite high.) I only made it something like halfway up.
The subsequent times took place at a local climbing gym, and in Phys. Ed. class (we had the gym set up; come to think of it, the third time would've technically taken place over a number of days and included ropes and such too). Made it to the top those times, but the wall wasn't quite as high, so idk.
Anyway - in the dream, I stood there on the ground, wavering back and forth, wondering if I could just not do it. But then, with an impulsive "screw it" mentality, I decided to just go for it and somehow scaled up not only once, not only twice, but three times in a row. Easy peasy, nothing to it.
Time to translate.
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| A Mediterranean burger I had recently. Haven't properly cooked in ages... |
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feeling foolish
and naive, and overwhelmed, and undeserving, and frustrated, and ten other shades of messed up. It's like I'm spiraling towards a self-destruction relapse, and based on past precedence, once we've started, we're going all the way. It needs to be different this time though - controlled, reined in, stopped.
Flopped down on the bed some time shortly after 6, tried extremely hard to wake up at 8:30 but couldn't, and next thing it's somehow suddenly 10pm.
Some mistakes just can't be unmade.
Some words just can't be unsaid.
Some things just can't be erased.
Sometimes it sucks, and there's nothing to do but file it away as a learning experience. Sometimes you try all these new adventures in an attempt to find yourself, but as the memories recede, feel just as lost as ever. Maybe even more so. The more you learn, the less you know.
Where has the motivation gone?
I just want to sleep.
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landing in the midst
If the latter part of 2012 felt like driving on the autobahn, then 2013 feels like traveling on a high-speed train so far. Between classes, extra-curriculars and catching up with friends, there was no grace period of easing back in. It feels like I'm perpetually behind, struggling to stay on top of everything. But 2013 is a learning year, an improving year, an ongoing process. People-interaction quotas must be filled, birthdays and engagements must be celebrated, and lifechats must be had. Sometimes, it's about letting the little things go, and just focusing on the bigger picture. The things that will really matter in the long run.
At the end of the day, nullum desiderium and semper ad meliora.
Although not all new resolutions need to start with the new year, the time frame generally does tend to lend itself well to inspiring desires to turn over new leaves. Although there are the obvious/typical resolutions that I'm hoping to sustain throughout the entire year (such as working out more regularly, eating healthier, trying something new every month), I'm also going to attempt to stick to 13 resolutions per month (for 2013. Since M felt the need to promptly inform me that there are, in fact, only 12 months in a year -_-).
Hopefully breaking it up into segments will make it feel more manageable. For example, January contains goals such as hitting the gym at least twice a week, capping the maximum number of shows I can watch at 3 episodes per week (and I skip-watch most things anyway), and reading at least one book for pleasure. Simple things. We'll see how it goes.
It's only been two weeks back, but it's been a packed two weeks. So what has been going on? J & J came over for dinner/girls night in, tried a hipster coffee shop I've been meaning to try for ages with J & M (and then we explored the shopping district - check off 'exploring the city more'), surprised M at the pub for her birthday, celebrated J, M & D's birthdays + D's engagement with everyone and then some, watched Les Miserables (it's been ages since I'd been to the movies), celebrated C's birthday by chilling in the pool/hot tub (and we made duck wings, chicken and potatoes for dinner, with strawberry/banana/kashi for dessert), had C over for dinner (chicken wings, fish & veggies, yummy!), and met up with various people for lunch/dinners.
Add in a myriad of classes (+ auditing additional ones in the first week in an attempt to figure out which ones to take!), meetings and executive duties and everything starts feeling a little overwhelming. On that note, it is nearly two in the morning, so it's time to hit the hay. After all, tomorrow (well, today) is a new day, and there is much to be done!
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only mortal
"Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves, will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"
- Odysseus, Troy (2004)
- Achilles, Troy (2004)
Photo taken December 2011 at the Harvard Museum of Natural History.
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missing liebe Deutschland like mad already
It's been a week since I left Germany; hardly feels real. It's funny - this summer has been entirely surreal. On the one hand, it just doesn't seem like real life (being an expat, living on a foreign continent alone, freedom to travel and basically do whatever), but at the same time, it's more real life (40 hour work week, commuting, living on one's own) than normal life (which at this point is school, I suppose). It's certainly been a summer of contrasts.
On some levels, it hasn't fully sunk in yet that I'm back in Canada now. Logging into CouchSurfing the other night, I was almost surprised to see the location change. I think I've officially caught the travel bug; can't seem to stop fantasizing about where I could go next summer, or whether I can squeeze in a trip somewhere during the winter break.
A couple of personal projects that I'm hoping to make significant progress on this month, but alas they haven't proceeded nearly as far as I would've liked so far. The hours of each day seem to creep by at an entirely different pace here.
Missing the people, the culture, the nature...heck, I even kind of miss the taste of the water, the consistency of the Nutella, the frischkäse... Also really missing the prospect of possibility that comes with living in a foreign place, the feeling that something extraordinary and unexpected could happen at any time, the knowledge that different things and experiences are readily available for discovering.
^ Photo taken on the tarmac at CGN (Cologne-Bonn), pre-departure for Amsterdam. The sun was just starting to rise over the horizon line. That, in conjunction with a 4am taxi ride with head-banging techno music being blasted as we raced down the autobahn at like 140 km/h, barely able to see 15 feet ahead in the dark, seemed like a fitting send-off.
So much for recapping things in order. Will try to backtrack and recount some more of this summer's adventures throughout the course of this month though! Let's make August a worthy last month of summer break.
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here's to the new
It's currently 3:13am, which means it's Wednesday, which means we're about midway through the 3rd week back. Which is completely insane - it feels like the first week, then the second, and now the third, have pretty much sped by. We're hovering someplace between 3/8ths and half-way through undergrad, and somehow I still feel just as lost as I did when I got here in first year, wide-eyed and curious. Maybe lost isn't the right word - that would imply an origin point to get lost from. Haven't fully found yet, perhaps.
It honestly feels like the more I learn, the less I know.
But maybe that's okay. Maybe that's good. Maybe that's necessary.
Regardless of anything else, I know I want to keep on learning, keep on growing... and maybe that's enough. For now, anyway.
We ordered late night (read: early morning) delivery for the first time in 2012, justifying it as "belated Chinese New Year" food, reminiscent of this time last year. Some days, it's still hard to believe that it's been a year and a half already. 2010 was a pretty crazy year. 2011 was even crazier.
But on New Years Eve, I found myself wondering what exactly happened those two years. I mean, sure, there are major happenings that really jump out - but beyond that, everything seems to blur together. 2012, I want to document,
To quote Odysseus from Troy:
"Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"I hope so.
