Archive for January 2013

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climbing

This is going to be a post of the #firstworldproblems variety; you've been forewarned. To say that January has been a blur of activity would be a bit of an understatement. It has been a crazy mess of overwhelm and cannot-deal. I've been busy with school and extra-curriculars before, and having spent the past two years on multiple club executive teams, it's not exactly like there was anything particularly new or different this month. 

But somehow the combination of hermit weather, being sick, not being able to sleep at night and not being able to wake up in morning just clashed horribly with classes (and being behind in all of them), hitting crunch time for multiple clubs and miscellaneous other personal things in such a way that was just somehow different from all other seasons of stress previously experienced. 

Looking back on the thirteen resolutions for January... they didn't turn out nearly as well as expected/hoped for. Most of them will probably carry over to February, in some capacity or another. What kind of scares me is the fact that February promises to be even busier. There is so much to do, but what I'm really craving right now is just sleep. 

Speaking of sleep - early this morning, I had a dream where I was wall climbing. Which is kind of random. I've been wall climbing a grand total of something like three times - scared of heights. The first time was at RKY Camp in the seventh grade. I remember that one distinctly, because one of the other girls had a broken leg, cast and all, and somehow pulled herself all the way to the top. (This was an outdoor wall, so it was quite high.) I only made it something like halfway up. 

The subsequent times took place at a local climbing gym, and in Phys. Ed. class (we had the gym set up; come to think of it, the third time would've technically taken place over a number of days and included ropes and such too). Made it to the top those times, but the wall wasn't quite as high, so idk.

Anyway - in the dream, I stood there on the ground, wavering back and forth, wondering if I could just not do it. But then, with an impulsive "screw it" mentality, I decided to just go for it and somehow scaled up not only once, not only twice, but three times in a row. Easy peasy, nothing to it. 

Time to translate. 
A Mediterranean burger I had recently. Haven't properly cooked in ages...

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feeling foolish

and naive, and overwhelmed, and undeserving, and frustrated, and ten other shades of messed up. It's like I'm spiraling towards a self-destruction relapse, and based on past precedence, once we've started, we're going all the way. It needs to be different this time though - controlled, reined in, stopped.

Flopped down on the bed some time shortly after 6, tried extremely hard to wake up at 8:30 but couldn't, and next thing it's somehow suddenly 10pm.

Some mistakes just can't be unmade.

Some words just can't be unsaid.

Some things just can't be erased.

Sometimes it sucks, and there's nothing to do but file it away as a learning experience. Sometimes you try all these new adventures in an attempt to find yourself, but as the memories recede, feel just as lost as ever. Maybe even more so. The more you learn, the less you know.

Where has the motivation gone?

I just want to sleep.

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landing in the midst

If the latter part of 2012 felt like driving on the autobahn, then 2013 feels like traveling on a high-speed train so far. Between classes, extra-curriculars and catching up with friends, there was no grace period of easing back in. It feels like I'm perpetually behind, struggling to stay on top of everything. But 2013 is a learning year, an improving year, an ongoing process. People-interaction quotas must be filled, birthdays and engagements must be celebrated, and lifechats must be had. Sometimes, it's about letting the little things go, and just focusing on the bigger picture. The things that will really matter in the long run.

At the end of the day, nullum desiderium and semper ad meliora.  

Although not all new resolutions need to start with the new year, the time frame generally does tend to lend itself well to inspiring desires to turn over new leaves. Although there are the obvious/typical resolutions that I'm hoping to sustain throughout the entire year (such as working out more regularly, eating healthier, trying something new every month), I'm also going to attempt to stick to 13 resolutions per month (for 2013. Since M felt the need to promptly inform me that there are, in fact, only 12 months in a year -_-).

Hopefully breaking it up into segments will make it feel more manageable. For example, January contains goals such as hitting the gym at least twice a week, capping the maximum number of shows I can watch at 3 episodes per week (and I skip-watch most things anyway), and reading at least one book for pleasure. Simple things. We'll see how it goes. 

It's only been two weeks back, but it's been a packed two weeks. So what has been going on? J & J came over for dinner/girls night in, tried a hipster coffee shop I've been meaning to try for ages with J & M (and then we explored the shopping district - check off 'exploring the city more'), surprised M at the pub for her birthday, celebrated J, M & D's birthdays + D's engagement with everyone and then some, watched Les Miserables (it's been ages since I'd been to the movies), celebrated C's birthday by chilling in the pool/hot tub (and we made duck wings, chicken and potatoes for dinner, with strawberry/banana/kashi for dessert), had C over for dinner (chicken wings, fish & veggies, yummy!), and met up with various people for lunch/dinners. 

Add in a myriad of classes (+ auditing additional ones in the first week in an attempt to figure out which ones to take!), meetings and executive duties and everything starts feeling a little overwhelming. On that note, it is nearly two in the morning, so it's time to hit the hay. After all, tomorrow (well, today) is a new day, and there is much to be done!   

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